Friday, August 28, 2009

First vacation of the year

Yep. No shit. 
I hadn't had any vacation this year, so I'm really looking forward to this. 
Oh gawwwd... I need this! And I f*cking deserve it!
It will only be for a week, but I'm going to one of my favourite places in Spain - together with my BFF.
Never done that before neither, going with a friend. Strange, hu?
Hubs and Artsie stay at home. But since I'm planning to read some good books AND introducing BFF to Twilight, I guess I can't go without Fanny...

Smiles & Fangs
The picture above was taken last year btw. It's me and my suitcase waiting for the cruiser at Hamburg Landungsbrücken (boarding bridge) - and the wall behind me is for real. LOL!
(Yes... dark hair last year. I'm always changing it.)

I know I will have a hard time catching up with twitter and blogs and fanfic anyway. But I will check in during this week to not miss too much. I will also check my mailbox regularly. So I'm not really "missing in action".

Thanks to all my internet sweeties for your nice happy holiday wishes!
CU soon...

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Twi-Fic I love: Your Forever Girl by uhyesplease

It took me some effort this time to get Artsie and Fanny out.
After reading this fan fiction by uhyesplease, they both withdrew for hours. 
Artsie mutely brooding in one corner of my mind, Fanny helplessly sobbing in the other. Whatever I tried, red type font, begging, ranting - they would refuse to buckle to work. - And then, all of a sudden... 

Oh - there you are!? 

Fanny: (sniffs) We're ready now. Could you...
Artsie: Yes, could just please list the basics, so we can... 

Of course! I'm glad you changed your minds finally.
But what... 

Artsie: The basics? Please?
Fanny: (sniffs

(?!?) Sure... 
  • Title: Your Forever Girl
  • Author: uhyesplease
  • Genre: romance/angst
  • Centered around: Edward & Bella 
  • Rated M: content suitable for adults and mature teens age 16+
  • Status: Finished / one-shot

So, now... what the heck was going on with you?
And why did you finally decide to come out after all?
Artsie: May I say first that you outdid yourself with that illustration this time? 

Stop flattering me, you won't get away with this shit!
Would anyone please be so kind as to fucking answer my question?!? 

Fanny: (sniffs)
Artsie: I don't know what happened, I was just... feeling weird. 
I think I might have caught a cold or something. Or maybe I had eaten some foul meat or... 


Artsie: Yes? 

You. Don't. Eat. 

Artsie: Yes.
Fanny: (sniffs


Artsie: Well, I was just... like... 
(whispers:) a little emotionally overwhelmed (clears throat
...or so. Maybe. I think.
Fanny: OMG Artsie! Were you all emo or what?
Artsie: I can't tell. All I know is: it hurt. But then again not. I felt a little... sick. But it wasn't all bad. And then I was like painfully missing something, and I couldn't even figure out what it was.
Fanny: (jaw dropped

Oh sweety, no need to be ashamed.
People call it feelings, and it's just alright. 
You were touched - that's beautiful! 

Artsie: Uhm...thank you. 
Fanny: (sniffs, jaw dropped

And what made you finally...? 

Artsie: It was the tweet.
Fanny: (nods fiercely) The tweet!
Artsie: THIS tweet:

So it was because uhyesplease said she loves you?

Fanny: Yes!
Artsie: No!!
Fanny: No?? (sniffs)
Artsie: Yes.

I don't understand, what... 

Artsie: I'm pissed!
Fanny: Did you actually say "pissed"? 
OMG... who are you?? And what did you do to Artsie???
Artsie: I'm really mad at her - at uhyesplease, I mean.  
She obviously thinks I'm... you... I mean: we!... are of low intelligence. 
Lying to us like that...
Fanny: What... lying? You mean, she doesn't love us?
Artsie: No, I suppose she does. But there is no, I repeat: NO way that this is her first fiction! This is just... ridiculous!! 
She is probably some pseudonymous writer with numerous books on the bestseller lists, hiding under this... this... joke of a screenname, so she can give vent to her wet fantasies and infest us with these heart-wrenching erotical missile - which is very disturbing, but hardly distracting from the fact that she brilliantly unfolds the personal histories of the two protagonists in all their complextity in just a few sentences, followed by a teaching play about love, faith, passion, the tragedy of missed chances and the power of life-determining decisions. 
No way! Who does she think I am?
Fanny: Woah...! 

Let me get this right, Artsie... so you think the story is good?

Artsie: (takes deep breath) It is flawless! 
And besides: I'm not going to review it.
Fanny: Uhm... I somehow thought, that you just did?
Artsie: No, I didn't.

But what about the rating? The Twi-Fidelity and...

Artsie: There is no Twi-Fidelity.
Fanny: But it's about Bella and Edward.
Artsie: I don't care. The names don't matter. This story has outgrown the limits of Twilight. And Fanny and I, we talked and we have decided to not rate the story at all.

Oh, YOU have decided? This is getting better and better...

Fanny: Yes, no wet panty scoring. Though... I mean, as to MY panties... (gasps) - I swear I saw the white light at one point.
Artsie: That must have been the point when you started licking my ear?
Fanny: Sorry, I couldn't help it.

WTF? Ok... before I kill you both, which will be in about 30 seconds, I'd really like to know WHAT in heaven's name are you pulling off here?!?

Artsie: We think it's time for the first S.H.A., Betti.
Fanny: (nods frantically)

Oh. No shit?

Artsie/Fanny: No shit.

Girls, that's awesome! I wholeheartedly agree with you here...

Artsie: So... (clears throat) in recognition of her extraordinary writing 
and deep inspiration in the field of romance and erotica...
Fanny: ... and because 5 Wet Pantys or Wet Paper Tissues 
are just nothing like enough...
Artsie: ... we'd like to award the dishonest author 
who goes by the absurd name of uhyesplease...
Fanny: ...with the first "Soulful Hotness Award". Tadaahh!!!  (claps hands)

Artsie: Congratulations!
Fanny: We love you too, uhyesplease! (throws kisses)

Artsie? Fanny? I'm very proud of you.
Do you want to add your fave quotes now?
And your three magic words?

Artsie: Of course.

Something to remember...

"I’ll be your friend, your lover, maybe someday even more than that. Whatever I can be for you, I will be."

"I will do everything possible to express all my love and lust for this woman in a few short minutes. Best of all: I’m going to school that pathetic seventeen year-old. I’m a man now. Better yet, I’m Edward fucking Cullen. My confidence rises. God, I love this woman."

One sad, one happy, one romantic

Artsie: Seven-zero-five. Doggurl. Blanket.
Fanny: Couples. Commando. Cute.

I thank you very much. And I really hope you will keep a bit of this new emotiveness, Artsie.

Artsie: What you are talking about? I was just a little indisposed...


Friday, August 21, 2009

Who the f*ck are Artsie & Fanny?

I am a split personality of sorts... 
Being an artist and musician myself, whenever I listen to music, read a novel, watch a movie, there are the two halfs of my mind struggling against each other: my Analytical Inner Artist, and my Average Inner Fangirl - namely: Artsie and Fanny.

They've always been there...
While my Inner Artist is always busy (which is irritating sometimes), my Inner Fangirl had a rough ride most of my life, more or less apathetically raising a feeble hand every once in a while only to slump down again, as though it just was false alarm. 
Because Artsie has always been pretty dominant, and pretty quick to be on the spot too. She's a nitpicking pain in the ass and not easy to please, which deprived me of unadulterated enjoyment of music or literature or else.
Just lately, Fanny made up some ground on her. More precisely: When I read "Twilight" by Stephenie Meyer, Fanny had her big moment - outcompeting Artsie thoroughly for the very first time! 

Hello, enthusiasm! Bye, peace of mind!
Since this time, they both are extremely agitated, constantly making at each other and driving me nuts. They definitely needed a job. So I decided to unleash them on the twific I learned to love recently, and have them review and recommend it on my blog. 

I use to call them out by using the red type font...
Artsie? Fanny?
Please say Hi and introduce yourselves.

Artsie: Glad to meetyou, dear readers.
Fanny: Hi everybody!! *waves frantically with both hands*
Artsie: So, yes... *clears throat* I'm very much into the arts and culture. I'm helping Betti with her music and such. And I didn't like Twilight, just saying.
Fanny: Well, I LOVE Twilight and I'm helpful too... I think. 
Artsie just can't get over the fact that I totally overruled her with Twilight. 
That's what she didn't like. *snorts*
Artsie: *rolls eyes* It is just Not. A. Good. Book.

Please behave, girls! Ok?

Artsie: I'm a pro. I can do that.
Fanny: No problem. If Artsie stops bitching at Twilight.

Yeah... whatever. See you later.

Ranting and Rating
Links to the reviews they did so far are listed at the top of my right sidebar.
Most of the time, Artsie and Funny will just do their own thing i.d. rant unhampered and unchecked, only occasionally and moderately guided by humble myself. 
They are asked though to fulfill certain tasks in every review: twi-rating, fave-quoting and a sum-up of the story in question by picking just three single words from it which they personally feel stand for the sad, the happy and the romantic vibe of the story. The following is the rating key:

How hot is the plot?
To answer this question, stories will be scored with
1 up to 5 Wet Panties
All of the fanfiction to be mentioned here, will certainly have some hotness in them. Ranging from erotic scenes viewed through a soft focus lense (1 Wet Panty), to rather explicit porn (5 Wet Panties).

Hot or not - if it comes to Twilight, we won't go without romance, right? Depending on how many tears they bring to your eyes, stories get
1 up to 5 Wet Paper Tissues
There should be one "I love you!" said, at least (1 Wet Paper Tissue). But I assure you, there are stories so heart wrenching, so deep and soul-stirring, that they make Twilight look like a sample test paper. Well, not quite. But anyway - these would be given 5 Wet Paper Tissues, of course.

To evaluate how true the story sticks to the original plot of the books by Stephenie Meyer, the scores go from
1 up to 5 Wettest Places in the Continental US
Quite surprisingly, a lot of Twilight inspired fan fics go completely without vampires, to start with. There are stories where there's plainly nothing more left than boy-named-Edward-meets-girl-named-Bella (1 Wettest Place in the Continental US). In order to achieve 5 Wettest Places in the Continental US, the author would have to leave the universe created by Meyer completely intact, but may fill gaps, add scenes or tell it all from another character's view.

Have fun! 
And read fan fiction... there are shining talents out there!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Twilight Animated Button No 31

Shit, what took me so long? I'm sorry. But I'm keeping my promises...
bloggy friend: Becky
pivotal point: RPattz Lover

Hope you don't mind if I make this short, Becky.
From your comments I took it that you like it a wee bit naughty too 
when it comes to Rob? 
So here he is... under your cover... 
yep, I was in the mood for a little wordplay ;-) 

the complete gallery: The Twilight Button Guru

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Twific I love: Bedtime Stories by afragilelittlehuman

Oh... this is special!
There's no way I'd miss to recommend THIS fan fiction to you. Again I'll let the two halfs of my split personality review it: my analytical Inner Artist and my average Inner Fangirl - namely: Artsie and Fanny. (You haven't met them yet? Click here to learn about them). They will tell you WHY this one is so special... Let me change to the magic red type font to call them out - just a sec.

So here we are. Artsie? Fanny? We've got some work to do.

Fanny: We're back, we're back!!!! (does happy dance)
Artsie: I've been looking forward to this, Betti. 

So was I. And I know you want to get started. 
Let me just give our readers the basics, ok?
  • Title: Bedtime Stories
  • Author: afragilelittlehuman
  • Genre: romance
  • Centered around: Edward & Bella (and a certain song)
  • Rated M: content suitable for adults and mature teens age 16+
  • Status: Finished / one-shot
The stage is yours, girls!

Fanny: (...)

Uhm... girls?

Artsie: I'm just waiting for Fanny to do her usual 
"let-me-start-let-me-start" fuss. 
Fanny: I don't want to start. Artsie shall start.
Artsie: (sighs) What is it this time?
Fanny: Well... I didn't know it is a one-shot, ok? What is that anyway? 
Who is shooting who? And is there any such a thing like a two-shot, too? Or a three-shot...
Artsie: No, silly - there isn't.

It's a self-contained short story, Fanny.

Fanny: Oh. You mean, it's finished? That's it? No more chappies?
Artsie: Yep. Well spotted.
Fanny: No Bella and Edward in Ireland? Too bad... (pouts)

Watch your mouth, Fanny - no spoilers! Remember?

Fanny: Ok, ok. 
Artsie: I guess I'd better start now, since Fanny is obviously mentally disabled today. First we should mention that this fanfiction has a special and interesting origin. Right, Betti? (smirks)

Yes, but... well, it's nothing actually, you know... 
(shrugs awkwardly)

Artsie: You shouldn't downplay it. I think it was a cool deal.
Fanny: Absolutely. Listen, folks, this is the back story of it: 
so this afragilelittlehuman had published this other twific "Breathe Me", and...
Artsie: Which is really good, by the way.
Fanny: is still in the making, because this one is NO one-shot. 
Artsie: (rolls eyes)
Fanny: Yeah, it's cool - a Twilight/Moonlight crossover. 
Artsie: I think we will review this one too someday.
Fanny: Anyway... one day, afragilelittlehuman offered Betti a bartering: 
If Betti would make one of her famous animated buttons for "Breath Me"...
Artsie: Which is getting better with each chapter, by the way.
Fanny: ...then afragilelittlehuman would get her maybe some Twilight merchandize or anything like that, possibly not available in Germany. 
Betti agreed to make the button, but couldn't think of anything she wanted in return - so she hatched out a wicked plan! (giggles)

Well, I wouldn't say...

Artsie: (raises hand) So did you NOT tell afragilelittlehuman to just trust you? Did you NOT say that you would think of something you might want later? And did you NOT leave her in the dark, just saying she would owe you until you figured it out? Huh???

Yes, but...

Artsie: In fact, afragilelittlehuman sort of sold her soul to you for just one button! (shakes head)

Two buttons, actually. Ok? 
Jesus... what's wrong with you today?

Fanny: Yeah... whatever. 
The ugly truth is, you gave her the button just to tighten the noose, 
and the-hen... (raises index finger) you had the guts to take advantage of that deal by asking her to write this 1-2-3-whatever-shot-thing for you! 
Whoa... diabolical!


Artsie: But at least, Betti granted full artistical freedom. Except for one thing: she wanted one of her own songs - "Bedtime Stories" - to be a vital part of the story. Quite a challenge for the author, I'd say.
Fanny: Oh, but afragilelittlehuman... she's a brave one and stood up to it like fucking Virginia Woolf!
Artsie: Yep! So let's show exhibit A and B...

WTF...? (rubs temples with both hands)

Exhibit A: The Button

Exhibit B: The Song (Bedtime Stories by Betti Gefecht)

Fanny: I'm still wondering whether this was really a fair exchange. 
I mean, even for two buttons, it is...

Ok. That's it! 'nuff said!
You little fiends either start reviewing the story NOW, 
or I'll send you back to your padded cells in my brain 
quicker than you can say "preventive detention"! 
Do you get me?

Artsie: No need to be rude.
Fanny: (mutters under her breath) ...oh gawd - get a grip...

Thanks. (exhales slowly) 
If you're back to reason then, Artsie, would you please...?

Artsie: Yes. First of all, I think it's absolutely brilliant how afragilelittlehuman managed to affect two purposes at once in this short story. One one hand, it's a story that stands for itself, i.e. if you read it without any knowledge of its back history, it will work perfectly nonetheless. Because it is conclusive and cleverly structured from the very beginning to its charmingly surprising punchline-like ending.
Fanny: But IF you know - and maybe even happen to know Betti - it's even better!
Artsie: That's right, Fanny. Because there are a lot of innuendos which refer to Betti - additionally to the mere reference to the song, that is - which make the story an unbelievably precious personal gift and even more intriguing to those who know.

I wasn't expecting it to be that... rich! Really. 
It was kind of a shock to read it for the first time. 

Artsie: But all references besides the song are blending in so smoothly, so facile written... one wouldn't even notice the hidden meaning, if it's not pointed out. 
Fanny: You're sounding pretty mysterious, Artsie. Do you know that?
Artsie: It's hard to be more distinctive without giving spoilers. (shrugs)

So let's just get to business, shall we? 
Scoring time!

How about romance?

Artsie: That's your field, Fanny.
Fanny: Mmmmh... I loved the romance! 
It was different though - I didn't cry at all, you know.
Artsie: Oh really? That's a new one... (giggles)
Fanny: You might not have noticed yet, Artsie, but not everyone is in the emotional state of a raided fridge, ok? Mmph! It's just this time... well, the love story is so cute - it just makes you happy! And when it is unraveling at last... woot! (claps hands)
Artsie: Tears or no - it's a sweet and humorous one, meant to lighten up your heart.
Fanny: Yesssss!

Twi-Loveliness Scoring
2 out of 5 Wet Paper Tissues

We know so far the story is about Bella & Edward.
Let's see what else is there...

How much Twilight is left?

Artsie: Let's say, afragilelittlehuman fired an unexpected single Twilight broadside in the surprising end of the story. But that's just it. This one-shot is very self-sufficient - which does it no harm.
Fanny: I was very pleased with everything. 
Bella and Edward were sooo cute in this!

Twi-Fidelity Scoring
1 out of 5 Wettest Places in the Continental US

Fanny: Is it time? (jumps up and down) Do we talk lemons now? Do we??
Artsie: Yes, I'm afraid so... (sighs)

How hot is the plot?

I was so hoping there would be some lemon. 
You know I love lemons.

Fanny: Lemons, lemons!
Artsie: Betti, I know you wanted your song to illustrate a bedroom scene, a seduction in the guise of a lullaby. Sweet and intimate, but at the same time holding the promise of a steemy erotic experience.


Artsie: Well, if I had ever read anything where this special mix of sweetness, intimacy and sexual promise was perfectly captured - then it was this one-shot by fragilelittlehuman. Nothing to add. 


Fanny: Well, I could add something, ok. 
Because it's hot!! When Edward pulls his shirt...
Artsie: I don't think we should go into that any further. 
We all know about your naughty nature well enough. And besides: no spoilers!
Fanny: But I don't get it! 
Artsie: Well, you know about the bees and the flowers, and how they...
Fanny: YesthismuchIknowthankyouArtsie!! (grunts) 
Seriously, I'm confused.
Artsie: Tell me something new.

What is it, Fanny?

Fanny: When Edward pulls... I mean in the hotel, you know, when they dang-dang-dang... dingledangle... ack-ack-ack... (makes strange movements with her hands), ok? And then: Woooosh! And then they hear the last lines of the song. That's weird!
Artsie: (?)


Fanny: ...oh come on, guys! The song is what? 2:50 minutes?
Artsie: Well, maybe... uhm - there is another version of the song, perhabs...?
Fanny: See? (folds arms)

YOU!! (points index finger at Fanny) 
You... you... just Cut! It! Out!

Twi-Lechery Scoring
3 out of 5 Wet Panties

Artsie: Betti? Are you ok? 

(bangs forehead on the table) Mmh. Mh...

Artsie: Shall we quote our favourite passages now?


Something to remember...

Artsie: Ok. Here's mine...
"He raised his head, a playful look in his eyes. 'I couldn't help but notice that you seemed quite taken with my hands,' he said, running his hand across her stomach."

Fanny: Ooh - that's a good one! But mine is better. (giggles)
"Still, she thought, he could be a serial killer, a monster, an Amway salesman."

That's one of my favourites too.

Artsie: I'm glad to see you're better again, Betti.
Fanny: Your face just was kinda... green, you know.

Yeah, don't worry, girls. I'm fine.
Have you picked your three magic words from the story to sum it up?

Artsie: Of course.

One sad, one happy, one romantic

Fanny: Loneliness. Yummy. Fireplace.
Artsie: Martini. Twitter. Velvet.

Thanks you. You did a great job, as always. 
I'm sorry if I... it was just...

Fanny: We understand that, Betti. Never mind. 
(generously pats Betti's back)
Artsie: Perhabs you want to add something yourself?

Yes, I want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH 
to afragilelittlehuman for her wonderful gift. 

Artsie: We should leave her alone now, Fanny. She needs a break.
Fanny: No prob. Don't bother to send us back, Betti, 
we know the way, ok? Get well!

Yeah... whatever. See you soon.