Artsie & Fanny, my inner analytical artist and my inner average fangirl
their review of an epic, 27 chapter, complete and ubersaucy fan fiction,
soon to be posted here. But...
Yesterday they unexpectedly started pestering me
about a certain oneshot I had read which they allegedly
soooo needed to review right NOW.
Round midnight, being a bundle of nerves, I finally gave in and agreed
to at least let them give a brief recommendation.To keep these two
in check is getting harder every day... Before I turn to the magic red font
to call them out, here are the basics:
- Title: "Dazzling"
- Author: onepushyfox
- Genre: romance/supernatural
- Centered around: Kate & Garrett
- Rated M: content suitable for adults and mature teens age 16+
- Status: Finished / one-shot
Ok, girls - please keep this short and sweet.
What is it that makes it all so urgent?
Fanny: It's because this story is about my second fave couple from
Twilight, you know... ok, from Breaking Dawn actually.
But did you know they'd met before? Loooong before??? Ha!
And Garrett is such a megacool character, isn't he? Roar! But anyway...
the important thing is, this story is a contest entry also, yeeeeaaah right!
And I want all you folks out there - hi folks! (waves) - I want you to
cross fingers for it! Go, foxy, go!! (pumps fist in the air).
And there is, of course her other story "I Favor...
Other story??
Fanny: ...Fire"! Yes, yes, it's where the tent goes up in flames...
we must recommend this one too!
Artsie: We should. It makes sense, Betti. Really.
Fanny: (nods frantically)
Other story? You must be kidding me!
Give you an inch and you will take a yard... (sighs)
I don't know, girls. I don't even have the basics at hand, and...
Fanny: Oh, but I have - I prepared everything!
You did? Should I be afraid?
No, no! May I…? Pretty please? Yes? Ok...
- Title: "I Favor Fire" - like I said!
- Author: the talented onepushyfox
- Genre: rrrrright my cup of tea... um, I mean: romance/supernatural
- Centered around: Bells and his hotness Jake the puppy (giggles)
- Rated M: Uh-oh... not for kids! No no... go and read "Lassie"
- Status: has a beginning and an awesome ending
Artsie: (shakes head)Fanny: A-haaand.... surprise, surprise! To save you labor,
I made a graphic too!!! Look and marvel:
Shriek!!!!!
Fanny: I know... not bad, hu? Aww... you don't need to thank me.
Artsie: I'm so sorry, Betti. I told her not to... I really tried...
Oh God…!
(covers face with one hand, peaks through fingers)
Is it on the blog yet?
Tell me it is NOT on the blog and NOONE has seen it...!
Fanny: Too late! And besides:
I really would have expected more collegial fairness and...
Artsie: Oh... shut up, Fanny! (rolls eyes)
Yeah... just shut up.
Let's just get done with this nightmare, please.
Artsie - a few words of sense, then the ratings.
And quick! I need to go bleech my eyes...
Artsie: All too willingly! We wanted to review both of the stories...
or better: we wanted to review this author (!),
because there's something very special about her and her writing.
Fanny: I always wished there should be another, an additional version
of the Twilight books, not altering a thing of the story as it is,
but telling it in a way to fulfill the needs of adult women -
if you know what I mean (wiggles eyebrows)
Artsie: Yes - apart from the fact that (emphasizes:) "I" always wished there were no Twilight books at all - one would indeed have to recommend
onepushyfox as the best possible writer to fill the gaps in order to create
such an adult and erotic version! I see... wow!
Yes, the thought occured to me too.
Not even Stephenie Meyer herself - her obvious strict moral
stamp of mind aside - could possibly find any flaws in how onepushyfox
is juggling with, and adding to, the original.
Fanny: I love both stories a ton! They give me everything I missed in
Twilight, but I don't have to give up one single thing from the books.
I actually wanted to print them out and put the pages into the books...
they fit in that well!
Really folks! (raises index finger) Go there, read them, you'll beg for more!
Artsie: Ok, here's our rating of both stories:
TWI-FIDELITY
How much Twilight is left?
Both stories definitely earn the full
5 out of 5 Wettest Places in the Continental US
TWI-LECHERY
How hot is the plot?
Both stories are hot enough you might want to fan yourself while reading.
Just because there are lemons that have been and will be recommended here which push things yet a little further, we give just
3 out of 5 Wet Panties
TWI-LOVELINESS
How about romance?
Here we must distinguish.
"Dazzling" is pure romance, even though just a small if promising
episode in Kate's and Garrett's life, so it deserves
4 out of 5 Wet Paper Tissues
"I Favor Fire" has a humorous touch to it.
It's Jake's POV, so that's right on the nail:
2 out of 5 Wet Paper Tissues
FAVOURITE QUOTES
Something to remember... from "Dazzling"
Artsie:
“And I want to know who you are and why you were standing on the edge of a ballroom all alone when you should be at the center of a group of worshippers.” My eyes widened a bit at his bluntness. “Not that I mind, by the way. It would be rather inconvenient if I had been required to slaughter my way through a throng of men to get to you.”
Fanny:
After I had fed, I realized that I was making a fool of myself. He was just another vampire, here to help the Cullens, and that should have made us friends. Yes, we had spent an amazing night together, but it wasn’t as if we were mates. It was a one night stand, just a couple of centuries before the concept caught on
FAVOURITE QUOTES
Something to remember... from "I Favor Fire"
Artsie:
“What is it, baby?” I could smell that Edward wasn’t here in the tent right now, although his stink was strong enough that he must have left recently. It was nice to be able to call her “baby” without him growling and ruining the moment by making her feel guilty."
Fanny:
"I could smell her, even through her sweet, white, cotton panties by this point and I was near insane with lust. She smelled incredible…tart like apples, sweet like cream."
Fanny: Artsie, did you notice we both picked quotes about smelling?
Artsie: Yeah, there's a lot of smelling going on in everything Twilight.
Fanny: Got some serious smelling issue, these Twilight characters, hu?
Artsie: Whatever...
Fanny: Where's Betti, by the way?
Artsie: No idea. Bleeching eyes, maybe?
Fanny: (snorts) What's wrong with you both? My graphic hit the spot!
Artsie: Are you on drugs?
Fanny: No - do you have any? (giggles)
Artsie: You are... so... disgusting!
Fanny: And you are just jealous, and you know that!
Artsie: Ridiculous! Why should I possibly be...?
Fanny: Maybe 'cause I got an invitation to be a guestblogger
somewhere else and very soon - and you are not? How's that?
Artsie: You got what? You ARE on drugs, aren't you?
Fanny: Nope. It's true!
Artsie: Why in hell should Betti agree to something that stupid?
And why do I know nothing about it?
Fanny: Um... because I'm cool and you are boring?
Artsie: I won't talk to you about this nonsense any longer.
Fanny: Pffff...
Artsie: You misspelled onepushyfox's name in your *cough* "graphic!
(sound fades as they both walk away)
Added on Oct. 19: The judges of the "Love for the Unloved" twi fic writing contest proved Artsie and Fanny were right by announcing "Dazzling" the winner!!! Congrats, onepushyfox!
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